A farmhand consulted a lawyer. He had long tended the late farmer's cows, and believed they would be his when the farmer died. Now the farmer's son claimed ownership.
"I'll take your case," said the lawyer, "Don't worry about the cows."
The next day the farmer's son came in. The cows were raised on his land, he said, they should be his. "I'll take your case," said the lawyer, "Don't worry about the cows."
Later, his secretary asked, "How can the cows belong to both?"
"Don't worry about the cows," the lawyer said. "The cows will be ours."
Apr - 2021
A farmhand consulted a lawyer. He had long tended the late farmer's cows, and believed they would be his when the farmer died. Now the farmer's son claimed ownership.
"I'll take your case," said the lawyer, "Don't worry about the cows."
The next day the farmer's son came in. The cows were raised on his land, he said, they should be his. "I'll take your case," said the lawyer, "Don't worry about the cows."
Later, his secretary asked, "How can the cows belong to both?"
"Don't worry about the cows," the lawyer said. "The cows will be ours."
Apr - 2021
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her - how are you feeling?"
Apr - 2021
The lawyer’s son wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps, so he went to law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his father’s firm.
At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father’s office and said, “Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you’ve been working on for so long!”
His father yelled, “You idiot! We’ve been living on the funding of that case for ten years!”
Sep - 2021
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are fantasy creatures.
Sep - 2021
A local newspaper mistakenly printed an obituary for the town's oldest practicing lawyer. He called them immediately and threatened to sue unless they printed a correction.
The next day, the following notice appeared, "We regret that the report of Attorney Critchley's death was in error."
Sep - 2021
One day in Contract Law class, the professor asked one of his better students, “Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?”
The student replied, “Here’s an orange.” The professor was livid. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!”
The student then recited, “Okay, I’d tell him, ‘I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...”
Sep - 2021
As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides. The assistant district attorney asked such questions as: Had I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant?
The defense attorney took a different approach, however. "I see you are a teacher," he said. "What do you teach?”
"English and theater," I responded.
"Then I guess I better watch my grammar," the defence attorney quipped.
"No," I shot back. "You better watch your acting."
When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused from the case.
Feb - 2017
As a judge, I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a vaguely familiar face. I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for a five-year period in which there were no convictions.
"Milton," I asked, puzzled, "how is it you were able to stay out of trouble for those five years?"
"I was in prison," he answered. "You should know that - you were the one who sent me there."
"That’s not possible," I said. "I wasn’t even a judge then."
"No, you weren’t the judge," the defendant countered, smiling mischievously. "You were my lawyer."
Feb - 2017
It was a Tuesday when the Judge passed a verdict against a certain lawyer’s client.
On Wednesday the lawyer rushed into the Judge's chamber.
” Your honour I just found out new information and I would like to file an appeal.”
“What did you find out?”, asked the judge.
After a few moments of silence the lawyer responded “well I found out my client has another $5000 dollars”.
Feb - 2017
